Now I may be wrong about this, but the last time I checked I was an adult of consenting age and my father was gone so although I lacked a parent I also don't require a supervisor or approval of my actions from someone else. Now it would be nice to be in agreement with someone else at all times, but life isn't going to let that happen. We each remember things in our own way and we each choose the paths that we choose. I was told that all I wanted to talk about were my blisses. Now the way I remember it was I have been attentive and supportive. I have put things that are important to me on a back burner to listen and be there for this family member but they felt the need to attack me. Accusing me of being insensitive and uncaring for their feelings.
Perhaps I am a tad bit crankier of late and a little less considerate of others, but I have also given up smoking 3 weeks as of tomorrow and the way I see this is they should be far more understanding of my lack of ability to be a nice person while I am going through withdrawal from nicotine. But according to her this has been an on going event in our shared lives. She forgets that at one point she made mention of taking her family and relocating far away from her "home" and that might possibly make me a tad bit more over protective of my emotions.
Now you may be asking yourself why am I sharing all of this in my blog. The reason being is that since I didn't get to state my reasoning for my actions or lack of actions I felt these needed to be shared if not with her then with you my readers. Sometimes following your bliss can cause stress and turmoil in your day to day lives. Sometimes those who cannot or will not follow their own will strike out at you because they feel the time you should be giving to them you are giving to other things. And that perhaps your priorities have shifted.
I can honestly say that this has been a very interesting journey of late. I am learning more and more about what makes me happy and what I need to do to eliminate certain stresses from my life. If that makes me a selfish egotistical person then so be it. But I refuse to continue on as a doormat for those in my life who feel they have a right to dictate how I will live my life. Be that by avoiding those who cause me stress or simply finding ways to fill the void left by those who would choose to leave it.
I don't like being a heartless person, I really don't. I am a passionate loving person who only wants to be happy. I don't go out of my way to create chaos or unhappiness for others. I try really hard to be a good person and do the right thing. Often at times at the cost of my own happiness in the transaction. But as of late I have felt the need to no longer stay silent and allow others to rule my life. Be that family or friend, professor or classmate. We all have things that we have to face in our day to day lives that we really don't feel like or want to do. But many things in life we do have a choice in. how we spend our time is amongst those things.
I may lack people skills or the ability to say what I am trying to get across but I also know that her version of the story was not entirely accurate. I have asked others with memories of the mentioned events and they agreed with my take on the whole issue. Some days I think people create chaos where there is none. I have tried hard to look at it from her perspective, I really have. I have weighed the things going on in her life that I have been made aware of and tried to excuse her bad behavior for stressful circumstance. But I am not the first person in our family she has treated rudely nor sadly will I be the last.
I don't know maybe at some point you have to weigh the pros and cons of allowing people access to your personal life and whether they bring joy or frustration with their presence. Perhaps I just need to walk away for a while and let her sort some things out. Sometimes in the past when I have had major falling out with people or changes in our life paths I have had to take time to just give it some time and a lot of space and things have a way of either correcting themselves and sometimes you just decide that the stress that accompanies that persons presence in your life just isn't worth the unhappiness it brings. I have had that happen as well and is why I don't speak with many members of my family now.
I really miss my Dad and am unsure what he would advice regarding this matter. She was way over the line in many of the things she said but at the same time he had a hard rule about family. Even though from time to time he too took time away to cool his jets and think things through. I love my family, or at least most of my family. Some of them are truly dirty rotten scoundrels but that is a story for another day. But sometimes those closest to us are the ones that can cause the most damage. They say things that are best left unsaid feeling that because they are family they have a right to. No one has a right to say things to another person that are hurtful unless those things truly need to come to light. Sometimes keeping your opinion to yourself is the wisest move because with time everything looks different.
I just don't know and since the passing of my Dad I really don't have an older wiser voice to advise me. For some odd reason I have very few people in my life that I trust enough to actually listen to. I have been ill advised in the past by those who may lack the experiences I have had or the time on this planet I have survived. I am really sorry for the depressing blog today but wanted to give others some food for thought. Be wary of hurting those closest to you. For tomorrow is not guaranteed. If something were to happen to either of us the survivor would bear the memories of wasting those few remaining moments in anger.
With that I close my blog for today. Am going to work on my photography and try to get some things worked out in my head regarding where I go from here. Life has definitely been interesting since Dad passed. And many times I have needed his sound advice and his loving shoulder. Right now is truly one of those days.
Until next time blog buddies, stay safe, stay sane and be happy.